Nine Hour NEC Trial Ends Just Shy of Ten Hour Goal

It was set to certainly be the trial of the century, or, at least, the trial of the 2018-19 school year. Two freshmen candidates for class board had been accused of improper campaign actions, and, on a Sunday morning, the Nominations and Elections Committee (NEC) began what would be a nine hour trial to determine the truth. With outcry by some over the what was seen as unnecessarily long process, the NEC on Monday released a statement saying it will try better in the future to get to a nice, even ten hours. 

When reached for comment, NEC Chairman Michael Krueller (C ‘19) “We really only get to meet up, like, what, once a year if we’re lucky? I mean, come on, election infractions are our superbowl. If we can get anything on these guys, we’ll go all in, every time. It’s just a shame we couldn’t hit that ten hour mark”

One of the candidates on trial, Wharton freshmen Markus Khouri, said in a statement he was “honored” to be at the center of such a drawn-out circus. “Knowing that Penn is number one in facing federal prosecution later in life, I really relished the opportunity to get such a personalized experience in a trial environment” 

Asked how he is looking towards the future, Krueller said “I think we’re really looking at how they do it in the big leagues-- you look at the Benghazi hearings and those were, what, eleven hours? I think we can easily hit that next year when some candidate accidentally posts a shitty meme on the wrong page” 

Asked if he has plans to go into law after graduation, Krueller said he much instead prefers the “fast-paced environment of consulting.”