Need Dining Dollars? Here are 5 Cherished Family Heirlooms You Can Exchange

Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia? Then look no further. The next time you visit home, consider pilfering and pawning off these familial valuables in exchange for just a few more visits to Pret.

1) A Fine Diamond Necklace

Diamonds. They're a grill’s best friend. Keep your eyes peeled for one of these babies: if you manage to snag one of them, you’ll be eating well for weeks. For best results, try scrounging around in your mom’s closet or burglarizing your sister’s room.

2) The Family Dog

Based on your dog’s breed, ol’ Fido could fetch you thousands of dollars on the market! Think of the yogurt cups you could buy with that kind of money! Sure, you'll feel bad about it at first, but soon enough you'll be glad that smelly beast is out of your hands. What do you know: every dog does has its day. 

3) The Nice Set Of Plates That Sit Unused in the Kitchen Cabinet

Your mom claims she’s saving these plates for guests, but you know the truth. Those plates aren’t going to be seen until archeologists dig them up and analyze them ten thousand years later. It’s the perfect crime. Take plates, obtain sandwiches.

4) Glorious Japanese Katana

If you’re willing to get rid of your genuine, finely-crafted, glorious Japanese katana, then I really don’t know what to say. You must be desperate. But you gotta do what you gotta do to eat, even if it means giving up your honor as a budding samurai. One fine katana can net you at least 300 dining dollars, allowing you to buy at least six more bento boxes from Houston.

5) Adam Sandler’s Click on DVD

Steel yourself, this heirloom may not be so easy to part with. But let’s be real: it’s something that has to be done. A copy of Click on DVD goes for about ten bucks on Amazon, which is equivalent to one more deliciously burnt Milanesa sandwich from Frontera.

6) Bonus! Your Soul

Hey. So I’m really not supposed to tell you about this one. But....

If you’re no longer welcome at home due to your kleptomania but you still want to make some quick cash on campus, you can sell your very soul. Here’s how in three simple steps:

Step one: sacrifice a goat in Gutmann’s name.

Step two: chant demonically outside of Fisher-Bennett Hall.

Step three: fill out an application, transfer to Wharton, and let the cash roll in!

It's that easy.