Pottruck Opens New Floor for Straight Dudes That Just Want to Check Themselves Out in Mirror

Heterosexual males rejoice! This past Friday, the Pottruck Health and Fitness Center opened an entire new floor dedicated to allowing straight men to check themselves–and each other–out. The facilities feature walls covered in mirrors, free baby oil lubricant, and loud speakers that blast exclusively Eminem. 

Unlike the other spaces at Pottruck, this new floor--dubbed the “Please Flex Zone”--enforces rather strict entry requirements. “First, this facility is only available to heterosexual men,” a spokesperson for the gym announced in a press statement. “This is to ensure that the Flex Zone is a safe space, where nobody feels uncomfortable. Second, entrants must be wearing extremely tight, low-cut tank tops and cropped biker shorts. The tank top must expose at least one quarter of the nipple. They must also bring a condom, just in case.”

The lifting community at Penn appears very pleased with the new Pottruck amenities. One “very, extremely straight (and not gay)" student and avid gym-goer, Richard Johnson (W ‘18) was particularly outspoken on the subject. “I feel safe knowing that I can slap my bro’s butt in public without being seen as, you know…” Johnson said while making a gesture with his hands, “Like that. Because I’m not like that at all. I mean, #LoveWins and stuff, but if I’m staring at my dude friend’s ass at the gym, there’s no reason to make it sound like I’m being weird.” 

In the wake of the preliminary success of the new Pottruck facilities, the Penn administration is now considering further developing “no-homo, hyper-masculine spaces” at the Women’s Center and the LGBT Center. Penn students will likely see more efforts to make Penn a more diverse and inclusive environment in years to come.