Pumpkin Spice Latte Too Spicy for White Freshman

Having heard rave reviews from his friends, College freshman Davis Grant decided it was time to expand his horizons and try a pumpkin spice latte. He knew it would challenge his palate, and possibly be uncomfortable at first. But college is for trying new things, he thought. 

Grant never could have foreseen what happened next.

Although the drink was 98% sugar, when the nutmeg and cinnamon touched his tongue, Grant knew that he had fucked up. He had fucked up badly.

The intense spice cut through his palate like a thousand razor blades. It then seeped through his gums and scorched his lips, bringing a slightly salty tear to his eye.

As the pumpkin spice latte trickled down his throat and then to his internal organs, Grant knew it was all over. He managed to call MERT as he passed out, but it wasn’t enough. By the time they made it to the scene, he had died of overspicing. 

White boys, let this be a lesson to you: if something has flavors beyond sugar or salt, it’s best just to avoid it and stick to the mild savors of 1920 Commons.