U.S. News Ranks Penn First in 'Number of Steaming Manholes'

U.S. News has found that, when making a college decision, 116% of high school students refer to reliable online statistics. The University of Pennsylvania certainly falls among the top institutions in the nation for standard achievements such as innovation and diversity, but a recent ranking from U.S. News confirms what everyone already knew: the University of Pennsylvania is the best school in America for access to steaming manholes.

For many applicants visiting the University’s campus, Philadelphia's 96% humidity isn’t enough. Jake (C '22), who preferred not to give his last name, shared, “Even after getting into Penn, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to  go here. That changed when I visited campus.” Jake described his appreciation for Penn’s architecture and monuments. “But it was the steam that really got me going," he added. "I had seen it from a distance, but when my tour group walked over that patch of manholes in front of the quad, I really fell in love. I’m not sure yet, but I think scalding mist might be my kink? Should I talk to CAPS about that?” Get in line, bud.

A reporter for Under the Button also visited the hole of Chelsey Robinson, a master's student at the Graduate School of Education. “This is my third year living in the pipes!” shouted Robinson through sewer grates. “The rent is almost as cheap as getting an apartment, and whatever liquid is flowing down here is definitely faster than SEPTA.” When questioned about the blistering marks lining her arms and legs, Chelsey responded, “Not to worry. You get used to the constant second-degree burns. It’s no different from living in Gregory or DuBois."

Another Penn student was found juuling cross-legged on a manhole as others rushed by on their way to class. UTB reporters avoided direct contact at all costs, but were able to observe the man pour a small bottle of liquid into the steamy cracks. Through the murmur of passing conversation, the lost soul whispered, “I’m just glad to have so many friends to vape with.”