Shocking! Gutmann’s 'Second Year Experience' Created After Secret Collusion With Bed Bath & Beyond

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive. Students were incredibly excited that the University was taking steps to “strengthen the sense of community among first- and second-year students, promote students’ achievement and well-being, as well as enhance support for students’ academic and social lives.” 

However, to the surprise of nearly everyone, it was recently leaked that the reasons published may not be the true motivations behind the change. In reality, UTB has learned that a deal was struck between the University of Pennsylvania and big-box retailer Bed, Bath & Beyond. The store has agreed to supply Penn with unlimited event giveaway t-shirts if Penn increased the influx of students shopping at the store. 

Suspicions were first raised when Gutmann was seen carrying her belongings in a 2-in-1 Rose Gold Shower Caddy. 

Upon closer inspection of the plans, some designs of New College House West have also begun to raise some eyebrows. Dimensions for the closets seem to perfectly match those of the Honey-Can-Do® 8-Shelf Organizer with 2 Drawers. There are two escalators leading up from the atrium with one designed specifically for only shopping carts, which many initially presumed was simply a new feature to ease with move-ins. Also, the new dining hall will offer a $25 off coupon when your meal is over $125! Sweet!