BREAKING: Student Bravely Walks Past Site of UPenn Alert

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.

Aaron Bettinger (C ‘22) was on his way to a Serpents rush event when he saw the dreaded text from 246-39 telling all students to “use caution” and “avoid the area.” He only had five minutes before the start of the event and the brothers had told him to arrive promptly at 9:00 p.m. He could not avoid the area, and he hardly had time to use any caution.

Bettinger plowed ahead, confident in his decision despite knowing the risks of walking through the danger zone. When asked what gave him the confidence, Bettinger smartly pointed out, “I’m from the West Side of New York, so I know my way around the risks of city life.”

When Bettinger reached the infamous corner of the block, he checked his phone again—still no follow-up message telling him that the area was all clear. But he couldn’t keep his future frat brothers waiting! He swallowed his fears and trucked on, putting his hands over his head like any innocent man would.

Not a minute too late, Bettinger arrived at Serpents, feeling especially good about his future bid knowing the brothers would love his story of exceptional bravery.

While awkwardly standing around, Bettinger received another message from the Penn security number. “Area cleared, you may resume normal activity.” Bettinger smirked knowing he'd never suspended his normal activity—not even for a burglary.