Van Pelt Study Carrels to be Renamed 'I'm Watching Netflix, Please Don't Talk to Me' Cubicles

Maria Vasquez, spokesperson for the Van Pelt Office of Student Affairs, recently announced that the study carrels on the third, fourth, and fifth floors would be renamed P.E.N.I.S. cubicles, or “Private Eating and Netflix Instead of Studying” spaces. 

The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies. 

Vasquez stated that the library’s decision to rebrand its carrels is part of “Penn’s initiative to improve the mental health of its students," and that "other action items of this initiative include providing free water ice instead of air conditioning and changing all water fountains into guacamole dispensers.” 

The decision was met with much support from the undergraduate community. “I mean, it’s not like people were using it for studying in the first place,” one avid carrel user stated. “Calling them P.E.N.I.S. cubicles makes a lot more sense because I’ll feel a lot more valid for eating really crunchy chips in the middle of a silent library.” 

An UTB poll showed that, prior to the institution of the P.E.N.I.S. cubicles, 25% of carrel users were using the space to watch the Great British Bake Off, 47% to loudly eat a Wawa hoagie, 23% to online shop, and only 5% to actually study. Projections show that the library’s recent actions will increase both Wawa and Netflix consumption at Penn.