Sign My Petition To Ban Thunderstorms From Campus

Hey do you have a second? Yea just take your headphones out real quick this’ll only take a minute. Sorry to bother you on Locust, but I just wanted to talk to you about something really important that’s affecting Penn’s campus. 

Last week I was on my way to a date night and was looking really cute, but out of nowhere it just started raining. I didn’t have an umbrella because I don’t like accessorizing, so my hair got all messed up and I had to basically sprint to meet my date. It was terrible. I’m not the only one this has happened to either: stories like mine are tragic but sadly common. Anyway, now I’m out here on Locust trying to get signatures to ban thunderstorms from Penn’s campus.

This is a serious issue. Let me give you some facts that might open your eyes a little bit. First of all, thunder is fucking loud. I jump every time I hear it, and I don’t like it. It sounds like someones yelling at me and I don't take criticism well. 

Also, it’s so sad when it rains. I love to spend time outside, but I don’t wanna get all wet that’s so lame. Locust is already a wind tunnel, and rain makes it feel like I’m walking in a cyclone. If those points don't convince you, try this on for size. Did you know lightning hits trees sometimes? Yea dead serious. How ridiculous is that? Theres so many trees on this campus I'm surprised we all aren't dead yet. 

Look man I really need your support. We all know Amy Gutmann is in the back pocket of Big Thunder, so she's not gonna do anything. This has to be a grass roots movement. I don’t want to threaten you or anything, but if you don’t sign I’ll follow you around and aggressively spit at you. Lets see how much you love getting wet then, huh.