Student Spends Night in Bathroom With Hands in Dyson Airblade©, Still Had to Wipe Hands on Jeans.

Jack McMullins was ready to pull another all nighter in Van Pelt, with his third midterm of the week coming up. He didn’t expect to pull it in the 6th floor bathroom.

Around 10 p.m. last night, Jack went to the bathroom — the one that looks a little fancy from the outside but has the same stank as the bathrooms in Pottruck. He did his business and almost considered not washing his hands, but hey it’s flu season. Additionally, he really wanted to try out that brand-spanking new Dyson Airblade hand dryer. 

He felt the cool breeze as droplets of water evacuated his hands at 420 miles per hour, sending a shiver down his spine. The cocoon of direct airflow surrounding his damp hands reminded him of a mother’s touch. His mother never nurtured him — not like the Dyson Airblade. He began to cry as the cool air turned to warm air, turned to piercing heat.  Yet, he could not free himself from the machine; his hands were still noticeably not dry.

The clock struck midnight. The janitorial staff came into the bathroom, shocked to see a straggler who was not having sex, but rather was receiving distinct pleasure from the Airblade.

“Hey man, library’s closing, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” Mitchell Jones, VP’s lead janitor told Jack.

Jack looked at Janitor Mitchell and began an impassioned speech on the redemptive power of love, “What really is love?” Jack began, before Mitchell quickly left him and the Airblade alone.

“God damn, I’ve seen it all,” Mitchell was heard muttering before quitting for good.

With only the light purring of the Dyson Airblade filling the room, Jack was left to his peace and quiet. Before he knew it, it was 7 a.m. and early risers were already starting to fill the library. Jack knew it was time to finally go. He lifted his hands from the caress of the Airblade, moist as ever. After nine hours in the hand dryer, Jack wiped his hands on his jeans before heading to work on his midterms.