University With 13 Billion Dollar Endowment Can’t Afford Drainage on Locust Walk

Wading through floodwaters, Penn students have found water soaking their legs up due to the lack of drainage on Locust Walk. 

Speaking to one student, Melinda Bing (W ’20), “Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?” 

Penn, which has an endowment of 13.8 billion USD, has reported that they simply don’t have the necessary funds to do any of the fixes mentioned by Bing. “The University has to prioritize other concerns – like waking up our Quad residents by turning on the crane, and then turning it back off again each morning, one hundred times in a row, just in case their mold-filled, cocaine-infused, blood-spattered lives weren’t affecting their sleep enough!”

The money that was originally budgeted for the repairs has gone instead to tattooing the names and sports of Penn’s athletes on their faces, just in case their affiliation hadn’t been made abundantly clear through the seventeen references of the phrase “student-athlete” in a typical conversation. 

When asked about underfunded programs such as CAPS possibly receiving some of excess tattoo money, the University spokeswoman threw wristbands for this weekend's darty into the crowd. In the confusion, she escaped only to be seen minutes later shredding money with Amy Gutmann.