Research Shows: Cali Bro Still Wearing Tank Tops Not Cold Resistant, Just a Tool

With Winter fast approaching, temperatures have begun to drop below 50 degrees. While many Penn students take the cold as an opportunity to flaunt their wealth in expensive coats and scarves, researchers at Penn are investigating a specific breed of person who may require no such protection from the elements: the tank-top-flaunting “Cali Bro.”

Medical student Ellen Harp, the lead researcher into the phenomena, described the Cali Bro's distinguishing features. “They will wear the tank top regardless of weather conditions.” she said. “Their common habitat is the gym, and their diet consists solely of protein shakes. I have also concluded that their eyes are highly sensitive to light, resulting in a constant need for aviator sunglasses.”

Harp also retold the the story of the Cali Bro's accidental discovery. “I was waiting in line outside a food truck, when a buff dude in a tank top posted up next to me," she said. "He was bouncing on the balls of his feet with his shoulders pushed forward. I don’t know if he actually had a neck. 'Aren’t you freezing?' I asked. 'I don’t even take steroids!' Responded the man."

After a series of meetings for “research purposes,” Harp reported finding no  evidence that the man’s genetics contributed to his cold resistance.  “He told me that someone as hot as him can never get cold. I didn’t want to argue, and I also didn’t want to discourage him from wearing tank tops," she said. Well played, Ellen. Well played.