Red-Handed: Brad Caught Showering to 'Call Me Maybe' for Sixth Time

To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Brad Hawkins (E '22) was caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe.” 

Jerome Maison (W '22), who lives directly across from the bathroom where the crime took place, was the first to report the transgression to the hall’s GroupMe. “It’s bad enough that Brad has to play music because he can’t be alone with his thoughts for a 10-minute shower,” he explained. “But when you play 'Call Me Maybe,' your actions become downright criminal. We have a strict no-Jepsen rule on this floor, and the fact that Brad can’t respect that exposes him for the human shit stain that he truly is. He can scrub the filth from his skin but not his soul.” 

Other members of Hawkins’ hall concur. According to Ilyse Camilo (E '22), “Brad has listened to 'Call Me Maybe' no less than six times, and God only knows what the actual number is. Brad and his musical tastes are a cancer compromising the integrity of this hall’s bathroom. If we don’t draw a line now, what’s next? Celine Dion’s 'My Heart Will Go On?' Fergie’s take on the National Anthem?" 

Arthur Ruble (C '22) has endured far more acute torture from Brad’s abysmal musical tastes than anyone else in the hall. “I was minding my own business, taking a peaceful shit alone. And then in walks Brad,” said Ruble, his eyes flashing with rage. “I begged for mercy on that porcelain throne, but instead I heard the voice of the devil coo, ‘Where you think you’re going baby?’”

Ruble’s eyes darkened. “Do you know how hard it is to violently release a chipotle chicken torta when the parasite that is Carly Rae is worming into your ear drum?”

Brad, for his part, doesn’t pay his haters any heed. “I am a man of simple tastes,” he explained, “and sometimes a man just needs CRJ to soothe his soul after a long day in CIS 160.”