To House All Sophomores on Campus, Penn May Donate the Sophomore Class to Elon Musk

With Penn’s recent decision that all sophomores will be required to live on campus starting in 2021, the University will need to provide beds for approximately 950 additional students who would otherwise opt to live off campus.

Having absolutely no way to go about coming up with the additional beds, the University determined that drastic action had to be taken. Anxious to get Elon Musk (W ‘97, C ‘98) to pay attention to them again and donate a veritable shit ton to their latest Wharton project, Penn administration has decided to kill two birds with one stone and donate the entire sophomore class to Musk.

“At Penn, we seek to create a unique sophomore experience to ensure that all Penn students have traditions on campus that might momentarily distract them from their miserable existence and declining mental health," commented President Amy Gutmann. "So we'll ship ‘em off to Tesla HQ—Hey, are you listening yet, Elon? We just wanted to remind you that we love you.”

Some students are excited about the opportunity. Said Wharton freshman Anthony Lang, “Just to breathe the same air as Musk is a privilege unto itself. I hope to learn everything I can, from the art of podcasting to denying employees any form of respite from work.” 

Jessica Sanders (C '21) was less enthused. “Whenever he smiles and squints his eyes really tight you can tell he doesn’t actually have a soul," she said. "I mean, he did graduate from Penn, so it sort of makes sense, but still: ew." 

When asked what he intended to do with approximately 2,500 Penn students, Elon Musk shrugged. “We’re a bit short on non-burnt test dummies, so I don’t know, I guess we could use them for that.”