Penn Debate Society Joins Forces with Gritty to Discuss the Inevitable Breakdown of Late-Stage Capitalism

Penn Debate Society held an event Wednesday in coordination with Gritty, the beloved Philadelphian mascot-turned Marxist hero, who has been hosting campus debates nationwide as part of his One Eye Open Initiative. 

At Penn, students debated the resolution: “Should capitalism be abolished?” 

Many students were swayed by the debate. At the start of the debate, Gritty surveyed the audience and found that students in attendance supported both sides. At the end, all present had been convinced that capitalism should be abolished at the soonest opportunity. 

Gritty’s One Eye Open Initiative is a series of articles, debates, and events organized by Gritty to discuss the failures inherent in the economic system, and discuss the horrors unleashed unto the world by the unbridled forces of late-stage capitalism. 

Gritty has fostered these conversations by hosting student debates in Philadelphia and in the SEPTA subway system, the hell-mouth from whence he crawled into this world. 

Penn Debate Society President and College senior Brenda Mayhew said the group was thrilled to work with the mascot because the student members wanted to have a debate that “convinced the larger Penn community to throw off the shackles of their capitalist overlords.” 

Mayhew also said she and other debaters have been big fans of Gritty for a long time. 

“It’s almost a cliche that everyone in Debate and the universe at large loves Gritty,” Mayhew said. 

Mayhew said organizers chose the topic of the debate because on a campus that contains Huntsman Hall, the last great citadel of late-stage capitalism, this topic was ideal in that “it encouraged Penn students to storm Huntsman and take back those nice bathrooms which are so rightfully theirs.”

In the debate, the side “capitalism” attempted to argue that “capitalism equal money and money good”, but quickly fled from the stage as Gritty advanced upon their position with all the rage that only a soulless muppet man can muster. 

Side “anti-capitalism” had no argument, but rather had Gritty ascend to the podium only to fall on his thiccc orange backside. The crowd burst into wild cheers and screams of adoration for the orange neckbeard. Wholly convinced by the woolly mascot, the crowd quickly turned into a bloodthirsty mob who immediately advanced on Huntsman, only to be dispersed by the soul-crushing walk through Penn’s stressful, miserable campus. 

Mayhew hopes that the Debate Society can continue its relationship with Philadelphia’s grotesque mascot. 

“This is only Gritty’s first round of collaboration with teams like us, but I’d love to see the impact that more Gritty action will have on the Penn community and the abuse perpetrated by global capitalist systems.”