OP-ED: I Only Fuck High Metabolism Athletes Because They Can Eat More of This Pussy

Look: We are all watching our weight, and some men can’t afford to eat very much of this pussy. I mean, how many hours can the average man spend in the gym?

That’s what brings me to top-tier athletes. Athletes—those hulking individuals sporting Penn athletics shirts and blue Powerade water bottles—are putting in work 24/7 (that is, when they aren’t putting in work on this vagene). 

These are the kind of men that don't leave leftovers, unlike your boyfriend who would probably bring Tupperware to this all-you-can-eat buffet. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend per se. It’s just that this puss is like a bottomless brunch, and your boyfriend can barely finish the complimentary breakfast rolls.

Yes, I have stalked the rosters of every varsity sport (plus rugby) at this school to figure out who is worth pursuing. No longer will these NARPs treat my pussy like tapas. Boys, this honey pot is NOT a small plate meal. 

So, catch me at the basketball house filming a mukbang, find me in Fox as a complimentary spread, even see me being Postmated to ATO, because this pussy is about to get eaten.