Local Student Beginning to Suspect That Friend Group Has Trouble Distinguishing Between Hilarious, Ironic Jokes About Depression and Identical, Completely Serious Cries for Help

Last Thursday morning started out normally for Kevin Brown (C ‘20). He partook in an ordinary three-hour stare at his phone between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m., with casual periodic sessions of staring at the ceiling, wondering where it all went wrong (to relieve eye strain). Before going to sleep, he DM’d his friend group a hilarious, completely innocuous comment about the “crushing and unrelenting weight of being alive. Gn."

When Brown woke up at 2 p.m., he was shocked to find concerned private messages from not one but several of his friends—even an offer to accompany him to CAPS.

“I was confused,” Brown said. “I’m glad I have amazing friends, but I can't follow the logical leap. I wouldn’t hesitate to reach out to one of them if I seriously needed help, as I have in the past.”

He recounted his experiences from last October, struggling to keep up with his classes, failing to get adequate rest despite constantly oversleeping, and generally feeling overwhelmed by the demands of college life. “Life as usual,” he joked. A couple friends eventually reached out to him, concerned about a "series of increasingly depressing tweets.”

“But obviously a totally different story—massive, massive difference,” Brown said.

When asked to elaborate on the difference, Brown simply pointed finger guns at the nearest door, said, “Word, retweet,” and walked out.