Newsflash: The Rodent in Your Dorm Room Isn’t a Mouse, It’s an Elephant Shrew!

Yo kid, that’s not a mouse under your refrigerator, that’s a goddamn elephant shrew, and you better take good care of it. Yeah yeah, you take six credits and run two clubs? Well this cuddly little critter eats its weight in food everyday. And you think you’re selective, only wanting to work at Goldman or J.P.? Well pat yourself on the fucking back, cause this guy only eats spiders and earthworms, so you better buy like 100 spiders—different kinds too, it’s picky.

But look on the bright side, you don’t have a rat infestation. You can stop pretending the floor is lava any time you’re high cause you’re afraid the rats will come and attack your ankles. No, you have the good fortune of having a scourge of elephant shrews in your tiny Harrison single. These little fuckers just wanna sniff around. And c’mon, they’re like the bonsai tree version of elephants, what’s not to love?

Also, they’re pretty sick roommates. They run 17.9 MPH tops, so they’re almost certainly more athletic than you. And plus they become sexually active after 41-46 days on earth. It took you 18 years to lose your virginity, and it still wasn’t great. These dope rodents will have turned your dinghy single into an elephant shrew fuck pad before the semester’s over.

So yeah, call the exterminator if you must, but just know your life is undeniably better with these cuddly little shrews around.