UPennAlert: Really Fucking Cute Dog on 36th and Locust

On Thursday, Penn students staff, and faculty received text notifications regarding an “adorable dog, possibly wearing a sweater and shoes at 3600 Locust Walk.” 

The notification immediately sent students into a whirlwind of chaos and anticipation. “Kids were fighting for a spot to see the dog, which looked like a wiener dog with a cute corgi butt,” said sophomore Maggie Leong, who was walking on Locust at the time. “It wasn’t walking with an owner or anything, and the cops had to stop crying kids from trying to hug the dog. I’ve only seen people get that enthusiastic about something when Joe Biden walks down Locust wearing some sexy shades or something.”

Authorities later confirmed that the dog was a dachshund-corgi mix (aka “dorgi,” pictured above) and indeed “wore tiny widdle shoes on his cute widdle nugget feet.”

Eyewitnesses stated that, after crossing the bridge over 38th, the dorgi joined a group of other “suspiciously adorable and tiny” dogs, all of which were also without owners. Authorities are puzzled as to what these sacred creatures were doing on Penn’s campus, but all members of the Penn community are hopeful for the Second Coming of the really cute dogs.