Penn Research Study Shows if One More Person Talks to Me Today I Will Fucking Lose It

New research conducted by Penn psychologists has concluded that if one more person talks to me today, I will absolutely fucking lose my shit.

The NIH-funded study collected data over a 24-hour period to determine what would occur if someone tried to interact with me while I hang on to my last shred of sanity. While the researchers observed that I would most likely be able to get through the rest of my day without causing a scene if left alone completely, they found that I would scream if disturbed by a friend, foe, or acquaintance—even by a simple wave hello on Locust Walk.

Additionally, the research revealed that I am on the verge of breaking down in a very dramatic, public matter, and you could be the one to push me over the edge.

The findings, reported in a press release by the Department of Psychology earlier this week, confirmed previous research that showed I need to take a goddamn nap, and you need to get out of my goddamn face.

"The results are unequivocal: the subject has reached their absolute limit for socializing today," the press release stated. "If pushed further, the subject will almost certainly become unhinged."