Penn Dining Unveils Hummus Bar, Other New Vegan Dining Options That Are Also Just Hummus

Last Saturday marked the unveiling of a new future for vegans at Penn: more fucking hummus!

Amy G herself paid a visit to campus to announce her support of vegans everywhere. “Vegans add to the diversity of Penn!” exclaimed Gutmann to a group of six students, a lost visiting family, and a surprisingly interested religious protester in front of the Ben Franklin statue. Gutmann elaborated,  “We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!”

Despite Gutmann’s misunderstandings about what veganism even is, vegans everywhere are mildly pleased with the addition of a new hummus bar. Vegan student Katy Roberts (W '22) said of Penn's newest hummus bar, “Yeah, I mean it’s fine, I guess? I just hope they get it right this time. The problem with the current hummus bar is I can only ever afford one meal. A solitary ice cream scoop of hummus from Houston Market is currently $46 and two virgin souls.” UTB did not further inquire about Roberts’ possession of “virgin souls.” Veganism is a complicated religion.

Sam Matthews, a sallow vegan graduate student in the School of Engineering, stated in an interview, "I hate hummus. And yet, hummus has become me." He continued, "I haven't eaten anything else for three years as of next Thursday." 

For any other vegan students in Matthews' position, the University has begun to promote their non-hummus vegan dining options. In a phone interview, Penn Dining Director of Operations Jeanne Kreig boasted, "From the seasonal menu, we have autumn leaves served crispy or steamed From the Depths of Hell we have raw Seitan served year round. And let's not forget, house-made in Penn's personal kitchens, everyone's favorite, the classic pita pairing: 'I can't believe it's not hummus!'"

"Oh no, we don't actually serve those foods," cackled one Penn Dining employee at 1920's Commons. "We just keep those options mildly heated in pans for days on end to make our students more grateful for the hummus bars!" Looks like it's hummus all the way down.