BREAKING: Phone Contact’s Last Name Genuinely Is Tinder

Friends of Rachel Moore (C '19) were shocked yesterday when her phone buzzed with a new message from Mike Tinder. Those close to Moore report her having a constant superiority complex over not wanting to swipe through catalogs of boys and girls, each with their own unique lives, family, and friends, and judge them solely based on their looks and questionable uses of Patrick Bateman quotes. 

“It was good to see Rachel finally cutting loose and having some impersonal, rushed, and unsatisfying sex,” said confidante and close frenemy Elizabeth Jones (N '19). “It’s like, are you even a part of our generation if you meet people IRL? How do you know if you can trust a stranger if you don’t know how many mutual connections you have?”

However, when UTB reached out to Mike Tinder to get his insight into the matter, we were shocked by what we found out. Said Tinder, “I’m working in a group project with Rachel for one of our classes. My last name is actually Tinder. My dad is Paul Tinder. My mom gave up her maiden name to go from Patricia OkCupid to Patricia Tinder. We are the Tinders.”