Pottruck Ranked Best Gym for Aggressive Male Grunting

The University of Pennsylvania’s Pottruck Health and Fitness has been named the best campus recreation center for aggressive male grunting. 

To frequent patrons of Pottruck, this comes as no surprise. “As soon as you walk through the door, you hear what sounds like a very angry hippo getting busy,” explained Allen Zheng (E ‘19). “Except there’s multiple hippos and all of them sound sexually frustrated.” 

Though they agree that Pottruck deserves this honor, Penn students are split on whether the excessive grunting is something to be addressed or celebrated. 

Susan Forman (C ‘22) is of the former opinion. “I’m on the bench doing my Kegels, playing T-Swift on full blast, and just generally rejuvenating myself. Suddenly I see the visage of Satan himself is personified on the red, veiny face of the guy next to me. How am I supposed to work my pelvic muscles when I have to listen to some guy getting off on getting swole?” 

Of the opposite opinion is Chad Lee (W ‘20). “I’m glad that Penn has created a safe place for gym bros of every kind of hugeness to come and let off some steam. I love nothing more than to be bathed in the cacophonic moans of hot sweaty men. And plus, Pottruck has enough fluids to go around that it replicates the experience of an orgy really, really well.”

Although his decision is controversial, Bob Henderson, Pottruck’s general manager, assured UTB reporters that the grunting is here to stay. “While we have had many complaints about the copious grunting in our facilities, as per official University policy, we see no reason to take action.”