Gasp! Religious Studies Major Comes Out as Agnostic

For years, the religious studies program at Penn has been a leading the cutting edge of religious scholarship. Junior Jacob Martinelli has been taking classes within the program since freshman year and has fallen in love with the field. 

The department heads have taken note of Martinelli as well. Dr. Daniel Weitzman, the head of the Jewish Research Center, spoke highly of the junior. “The boy was a great pupil, he keeps his head in the books, he’s respectful of culture, and he brought me hamantaschen once.”

This past week, however, Martinelli has unveiled some shocking truths. While talking with a friend, he stated, “Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual.” 

"I mean, it's not like I'm atheist," Martinelli explained when he was told that Professors Weitzman and Mark Paul, head of the Catholic Center, were equally devastated. "Like... idk... God might exist? I want to keep my options open. And if He does, sorry my man for not believing; please still let me go to heaven dude."