Girl Sells Roommate on Free or For Sale

When Erin Zheng met Emily O’Byron for the first time on Quaker Days, it was love at first sight (but in, like, a completely platonic roommate sort of way). They got their first Philly Cheesesteaks together. They got wasted at their first frat party together. As soon as they got home, Erin and Emily texted each other incessantly, dishing the tea on the intimacies of their social lives. But now, mid-way through their first semester together, that roomie bond has been all but extinguished. 

“It’s just not the same anymore,” lamented Erin. “Emily and I used to have such a great relationship with each other. She’d hold my hair when I was yakking all over the sink, she’d hold my hair when I was yakking all over the sidewalk. I wouldn’t even sexile her because I’d need her to hold my hair when I was, well, you know.”

Erin flicked a tear from her eye. “But when she stopped letting me use her Argan oil I knew it was time to cut ties.” 

But since Erin completely missed the room change date, she had to take matters into her own hands. “I stumbled on this ‘Free or For Sale’ page on Facebook and I thought it was honestly really nifty,” she explains. “And I thought to myself, if people can get rid of their uncomfortable, 20-year-old mattresses, why can’t I get rid of an uncomfortable 20-year-old?”

Erin promptly posted the advertisement with the ugliest sixth grade photo she could find from her roomie’s insta.

Emily, for her part, has not been silent. “Ya fuck her okay,” said Emily when asked for comment, tears pooling at the edge of her eyes. “I did everything that a good roommate should do. I loved her once, you know. I made an Erin shrine in her closet with her favorite candles. I saved every one of the pubes she left in the bathroom sink. I carried a locket with her face in it at all times. I just don’t know what happened between us that makes her think that I deserve this.”