Study Finds Cocaine Usage Plummets in November Due to Increase in Icky Nose Boogers

In a groundbreaking report from the National Institute on Drug Abuse, scientists revealed that cocaine usage among college students plummeted in the fall and winter months. The reason: icky-sticky nose boogers.

The study’s director, Dr. Herman C. Bosch, said in a statement, “Frankly, we are shocked by these findings. We always thought sniffling when it gets a little chilly was a result of cocaine usage. Apparently it’s not! People who sniffle are less likely to use cocaine because they have so many boogies, and that's just kind of gross”

According to the study, students who did lines of cocaine off of tables were 30-40% less likely to use the drug during the winter months, while those who snorted off of car or house keys were 60-70% less likely. 

“It’s just the fact that people don’t want crusty-dusty snot all over their coke or keys, especially when they’re sharing-- it’s just kind of, like, unsanitary you know?” said one student quoted in the piece.

While cocaine usage may be falling, ketamine usage seems to be an at an all time high. So don't worry: campus drug culture hasn't died out quite yet.