Man Tries Desperately to Absorb Sunlight Before Sun Disappears for Five Months

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body. When pressed for a reason behind this behavior, he cited the annual five-month disappearance of the sun that occurs every year in Philadelphia. 

“I read somewhere that it is healthy to absorb sunlight, and I figured that it would be good for me to do as much of that as possible before the dark months,” Judge expressed. “As we all know, from November to late March, no light touches this part of the world. I personally believe this is God’s way of punishing us for our sins. Also, I like getting a little tan.”

Judge said that, in preparation for the dark embrace of winter (“the devil’s season,” as he put it) he likes to spend all of his available time not only absorbing sunlight through his skin, but also through his eyes. Judge stares directly into the sun every day while he's not in class.  

“I like staring at the sun, because at first, it hurt a lot, but now, I have become dependent on the harsh penetration of my eyes by sunlight. I also like how I am beginning to lose my vision altogether. That way, I won’t even know when the dark months are upon us.”