'Take Your Professor to Lunch' Victim? Popular Professor's Diet is Now 85% Pod Sushi

Most professors covet a 4.0 rating on Penn Course Review. Dr. Eric Malor wishes he could get rid of his.

“I haven’t seen my family in a year,” he sobbed to our reporter, “I can’t take this anymore.”

Malor, charismatic rising star of the Classical Studies department, once supported Penn’s “Take Your Professor to Lunch” program. He loved grabbing meals with his most passionate students. 

“Good food, good talk, and free too,” he sighed, “I advertised it aggressively to my classes. We were doing our Icarus unit, and the irony didn’t hit me.”

Malor’s students cleared out his calendar, booking him for every meal for the rest of the semester. And then the next.

“It's literally always Pod sushi. Hour after hour, month after month, I spend all my time eating edamame and Rockin Spicy Tuna rolls. When can I get some Falafel or something? Maybe I didn’t make the Mediterranean cuisine PowerPoint compelling enough," he pondered. "...My god, I haven't been home in months; my wife is going to divorce me.”

We interviewed one of Malor’s most frequent meal companions, Shawn Mallory (C ‘19).

“I dunno, I guess he’s fun to eat lunch with,” Mallory shrugged, “Really, I’m just trying to keep the man occupied so that he doesn’t post midterm grades until after grad school apps.”