BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now

Allison Hendricks (C ‘22) was thrilled to finally get away from Penn’s toxic, pre-professional campus for a nice relaxing week home for the Thanksgiving holiday. Talking to UTB reporters, Hendricks remarked, “Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”

Although the last time she had talked to any of her home friends was way back during a lonely NSO night, Hendricks texted her high school squad’s chat a week before break.

“Heyyyy guys, it’s been a hot sec lmao. Anyone down for Friendsgiving at my place?” Terrified at the thought of spending the week alone with their parents, all of her friends quickly agreed. 

It wasn’t until Hendricks found herself staring down the kitchen table at the overcooked turkey, cold mashed potatoes, and half-eaten pies that she began to realize that something was wrong. "Everyone had a gigantic smile on their face and kept laughing at everything even if it wasn’t funny. And everyone just kept talking to make things feel normal again but it just didn’t happen."

Hendricks reported that she and her friends tried to talk about all their crazy nights at college and all their new friends. But daunted at the impossibility of communicating what felt like a lifetime of experiences since they had left, they all dwindled into silence and stared at the scraps on their plate. 

Then, one friend spoke up and said, “Haha, wow it’s been so great seeing all of you guys again but lowkey I have a 50-page lab report due on Monday and I really should get going on it.” 

“Haha yeah, I should get going too. I have an English paper due,” said another. “College sure is rough, isn’t it?” The whole table started rustling, and the clang of plates were the death knells that signaled the night’s end. It was 7:30 p.m. 

Hendricks gave each of her pals a half-hearted embrace at the door and some variant of “OMG we need to talk more haha, see you!” After the last of her guests had pulled out of the driveway, Hendricks finished cleaning up and climbed the stairs to her room. Crawling into a bed that no longer felt like her own, she stared at a wall until she fell asleep. 

According to sources close to UTB, the following Monday Hendricks could be found walking down Locust surrounded by her new friends. When asked about her break, from behind a hollow smile she said, “Haha, it was just so nice seeing my old squad again, you know?”