Report: 70% of Penn Undergrads Still Can't Cook Anything Except Mushy Pasta

As part of the ongoing trend of quantifying every aspect of the human experience, Penn's Office of Student Life released a 5,000-question survey for members of the undergraduate community. The questionnaire contained a wide variety of questions, ranging from "What did you eat last night for dinner?" to "What part of this godless, terribly cruel world fills you with the most existential dread?" 

The Office of Student Life announced its preliminary findings from the survey on Monday. "The department was particularly dumbfounded by one result from the survey," the report stated. "70% of students at one of the most prestigious universities in the world literally do not know how to cook their pasta al dente. This puts Penn well below other universities on the pasta-cooking rankings at a depressing 83rd place, being beaten even by Cornell at 79th place."

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter. "Her silence on the matter," as one particularly outspoken student wrote in a Facebook status, "is deafening." 

Many other members of the Penn community have also taken to social media following the release of the report. The University of Pennsylvania Class of 1941 Facebook group, for example, launched an online petition to "teach this school of lazy youngsters how to put down their iPhones and do some REAL work!" 

The Office of Student Life has planned to release further findings "sometime in the distant future," and faculty, students, and alumni are anxious to see how the results will affect Penn's already mushy-pasta-tarnished reputation.