Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet

Interested in a job? Looking to attain invaluable experience working at a place other than Papa John's? Have multiple, reckless nights at Pod left you broke and desperate beyond belief? Then do we have the opportunity for you!

Forget note-taking and dog-sitting, there’s a brand new opportunity sponsored by Penn’s president herself.

“Here at Penn, we believe in inclusion, civic engagement, and constructive dialogue,” Gutmann proclaimed, stroking a Chinese-made, alligator-shaped, terracotta figurine. “We also believe in supporting free enterprise and the encroachment of commercialism.”

The job includes trimming the fine tendrils on Amy’s chia pet, checking the water level daily, and rotating the lil’ cutie every once in a while so that it can soak up that sweet, sweet sun. As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties). There are also opportunities for promotion: prove your worth with Mr. Alligator, and you can soon expect to be handling the likes of Chia Kermit, Chia Shrek, and, sitting atop the very highest echelon, the heralded Chia Dean Furda.

“By participating in this work-study, students will be able to avoid starving on the streets of Philadelphia and do a great service to Penn in the process,” Gutmann said, turning around a Chia-fied former president Barack Obama in her hands.

This tantalizing opportunity is now available to all work-study eligible students who have lost their sense of direction and self worth. Apply today through Handshake!