Finally: Annoying Couple In Friend Group Breaks Up

Friends of Eleanor Peterson (C ’20) and John Roberts (E ’20) rejoiced yesterday when they discovered that the most annoying couple in their friend group had finally broken up for good.

“There have been about four flukes at this point, and we’ve all gotten our hopes crushed many times when they eventually rekindled their deniable chemistry,” said friend Rita Mathers. “It’s hard to trust again, but we’re all learning to open ourselves up to the idea that it may be real this time.”

Mathers reports that she’s spent the majority of the past day comforting Eleanor while flashing her friends thumbs up over her shoulder whenever they stopped by to check on their dear friend. “It’s hard to know what to do in these situations, but I fully expect that Eleanor will be over their two-year relationship in about a week. They sucked so bad as a couple, and they definitely suck slightly less as individual people. I just hope she sees it as clearly as we all do.”

Eleanor and Jack have both refused to give comments or leave their respective rooms since the breakup. Fingers across campus remain crossed in the desperate hope that they don’t eventually work out their issues and get back together again.