Junior Wearing Penn Apparel Gets Shit On by Bird — Here's What That Pigeon Has to Say

Jeremy Landis (E ’20) returned to his hometown of Dayton, Ohio this past Thanksgiving break feeling particularly thankful for his Penn education — but mostly for his ability to flex his Ivy League apparel in front of relatives and strangers alike. 

“Do you know where I go? Do you even understand how impressive this is?!” Landis could be overheard yelling to toddlers at the neighborhood park. 

While strolling to his local coffee shop to obsessively stalk classmates’ LinkedIns without the distractions of home, Landis felt a heavy, pungent glob of viscous liquid drop onto his Penn bucket hat. 

“Yup, that was me. Call me, ‘Slick,’ by the way,” Slick, the pigeon who delivered the unwanted package, shared with Under the Button. “I grew up with Jer. We ran these Dayton streets together back in the day. Early 2000s, ya know? Razor scooters, ice cream trucks, Hollister t-shirts. He’d even save the bottom of his ice cream cone for me, dude.” Slick’s wing reached for the box of tissues. 

“Things changed when he got to high school—I’d barely see him around. And now? Now he’s just a cocky motherfucker. Didn’t want to be the one to do it, but that boy needed to be shit on.”

“He’s just jealous,” Landis muttered as he wiped the pigeon feces off his University of Pennsylvania apparel. “They all are.”