Forget Puppies: Penn Saves Big Money by Hiring Therapy Cockroaches for Finals Week

While in years past finals season has been a never-ending marathon of free food, study breaks, and playful puppies, all of these resources are schedule to change as the University adjusts the College’s budget for the 2018-2019 school year. Instead of providing hairy, mangy pups with slobbery mouths, the College has instead decided to invest in a far more adorable critter: the cockroach.

“Aren’t they just delightful?” giggled President Amy Gutmann with delight as a swarm of ten cockroaches scurried across her perfect, luminous skin. “I just simply worship their beady little eyes, and the sensation of them crawling all over your body is so relaxing that it’s to die for.”

“Cockroaches are both cute and cheap, so it seemed like the perfect compromise,” remarked Vice Provost for University Life. “Although Van Pelt already has its fair share of cockroaches, it wasn’t nearly enough to make sure all of the College students inside could reap the full benefits of the University’s latest initiative.”

With the cockroach investment freeing up funds in the University budget, University officials decided that the best place to funnel those funds was back to Wharton. “Our beloved Whartonites work so much harder than the students in the School of Arts and Sciences that it really only makes sense that extra therapeutic help be made exclusively available to them,” explains Geoffrey Garrett, dean of the Wharton School. “With these extra funds, we’ve decided to hire therapy horses, and will be offering Wharton students the opportunity to play polo in the atrium of Huntsman Hall every evening from eight to two.” 

When asked about her plans to support engineering students, President Gutmann reportedly laughed, only stating “They’re in God’s hands now.”