Freshman Looking for the Perelman Quadrangle Ends Up in Princeton, New Jersey

In recent news, frequent Penn donor Ronald O. Perelman has donated 65 million dollars to Princeton University. This generous donation will go towards Princeton’s first new residential hall in over 15 years. 

Although the donation was well-intentioned, a great number of Penn students feel cheated by the once loyal graduate. Chief among these students are freshman who “just wanted Insomnia.”

Eye witnesses reported seeing Engineering freshman Grace Torrence typing “Perelman” into Google Maps around 3:00 a.m. last Monday, after which she purchased, printed, and maneuvered an Amtrak ticket to Princeton, New Jersey.

When asked about the mishap, Torrence replied “I wasn’t even drunk. Please don’t tell my mom.” 

One anonymous Hill House ITA reported, “She came in after hours and logged into the computer to search it. She kept saying “Woops!” or “Oh no!” after everything she did as if it was all accidental. They don’t pay me enough for this job.”

Apart from the recent influx of cookie-hungry Penn freshmen in New Jersey, one group of students was especially struck by Perelman’s recent donation. 

“I — I just thought we had something special,” said Thomas Jones, a senior in the Perelman School of Medicine.

All in all, it will take some time for Penn students to recover from this hideous betrayal of trust.