Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.

The University employs 52 elves during registration periods to print out students’ requested schedules, shred them, and assign them randomly to classes. “It’s tough, labor-intensive work,” said Elf Union leader Elidyr Norfaren. “We’ve replaced the automatic computer systems used at other, less innovative universities, and should be fairly compensated.”

Administrators were motivated by a similar promise by Amazon made earlier this year. Currently, elves are paid in rations of sparkles and lollipops, which, according to Norfaren, “are barely enough for a nest of sixteen.”

“We pride ourselves on our slow, ineffective, paper-based registration system,” said a representative from the Office of the University Registrar. “And that would not be possible without our valued elf workforce.”

The Elf Union is hoping to secure additional benefits, such as health coverage and straw-home insurance. "We don't need to be treated as well as Wharton students," Norfaren said. "Just College students, maybe."