SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones

Student Health Services hit a new record for wait times for appointments: 615 years for major injures (gunshot wounds, compound fractures — but only really gnarly ones — active births, etc.) and 1,233 years for minor injuries (anything between a common cold and an appendectomy). 

One student, Angela Wagner (E ’20), said the new wait times were better than what she’d been told on the phone. “I’d just broken my leg, the bone was sticking out — it was so gross. I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone. I ended up just wrapping up my leg in a lot of Band-Aids, drinking a handle of vodka, and going to a pre-game.”

Now, Wagner is more hopeful. “I called yesterday, and they actually gave me a time slot! Sure, I’ll be ashes and dust, blowing in the wind by that point, but at least I’ll be getting my tuition’s worth.”

Another student, Grigori Orlov (C ’22), speaking with a medium-sized knife hanging out of his side, said that he has an appointment for his injury. However, he admits that blood loss and organ failure might make him unable to attend. “I really don’t want to have to cancel. They might charge me a $20 fee for not showing up to my appointment in three days, four months, and 514 years. I need that money for my Uber to the downtown tonight. I guess I'll just deal with it."

A respondent from SHS refused to answer the questions we asked but did say that we could schedule an appointment to speak with a representative, before leaving us on hold. To the best of our knowledge, that call is still on hold. We will not be the first to break. It has been thirty-seven days and counting. We will outlast them.