Sophomore Who Was Promised by Professor There Was No Formula to Getting an A Creates Formula to Get an A

It was hour eight of an all-nighter, and College sophomore Dan Devine was ready to give up. He hadn’t shown up to his PSYC 170 class since mid-September and with the final in the morning, he knew his ass was grass. That was unless he could devise some sort of ruse to trick the system.

DeVine vividly remembered what the professor had said on the first day of class: “There is no formula to getting an A. This class takes hard work and dedication to succeed.” But with no other choice, Devine popped 30mg of Adderall, found a whiteboard, and got cracking on a formula that would solve all his problems.

What he needed was a starting point. DeVine had taken Ideas in Mathematics his freshman year, and eureka! he remembered one formula for an A.

A=lw

Length and width: it was all he needed. Except DeVine was fairly short and skinny. “That won’t do,” he thought to himself. He stared for a moment at the formula — boy, that Adderall really had him tweaking — when bingo!

A=pi(r²)

“I was like, 'Holy shit, DeVine, you genius!'” he said later to UTB. Boom, done. But after a minute of stimulant-fueled celebration, he still felt woefully unprepared for the test. Nothing was working.

But suddenly, it came to him. He grabbed the marker and began furiously scribbling on the board. His formula was now ready. There it was, in simplified form — his brilliant equation.

A=৮аɳḡ+ʈĥɜ+ℙr°ƒ

Editor's Note: At 10:30 p.m. PSYCH 170 T.A. Michael Jones sent an email to the class offering a last minute extension for students to take the exam a week later. Sadly, Mr. DeVine was deep in his sophomoric attempts to scam an A out of the class, leading him to miss the email entirely. Despite casually strutting into his exam the next morning with flowers and Godiva chocolates, he was simply told by the professor to "find a seat," leaving him sorely rejected, ruining all hopes of receiving an A in the class.