Student Health Announces New Holiday Themed Sex-Ed Campaign: Gift Wrap it Up

It’s officially cuffing season and Student Health is here to make sure you keep your pecker in checker. How, you might ask? Through a Holiday themed health campaign, of course!

Head of Student Health Services, Tim Wrappaport, has one message for students this year. “Gift wrap or get slapped,” he said in a press release earlier this week. “No one wants a present that isn’t properly wrapped. Even if it’s massive, like a Lexus, you still have to at least put a bow on it.”

Students had mixed reactions to this semester’s suggestion from Student Health. Patrick O’Neal, a College junior who struggles with analogies and metaphors, wrapped his penis in Hanukkah themed wrapping paper hoping his Jewish girlfriend would find his respect for sexual health and Jewish culture sexy. That was not the case. “Apparently putting Jewish iconography on my schlong gets me slapped. Wrappaport’s message has me more confused than ever,” O’Neal said.

Wrappaport disagrees with the assertion that Student Health’s campaign is at all confusing. “It’s a perfect analogy. Plus we offer safe and healthy dialogue suggestions for partners to try,” Wrappaport told us. “For example, the man asks ‘so would you like this gift-wrapped or are you good to go?’ and then the partner says ‘yes, gift-wrapped would be great’ and the man goes off into the corner to spend five minutes meticulously gift wrapping until coming back with a perfectly wrapped up dick. This isn’t confusing at all.”

Despite the push-back, Student Health is continuing to roll out their campaign and has no plans to need to abort anytime soon.