OP-ED: I Support Your Right to Have a Mental Breakdown in This Library, but Can You Do It a Little Quieter?

Hey there! It's me, the one sitting three carrels behind you. How are finals treating you, bro? Not so good, huh? Yeah, I could kind of tell. Sounds like you're having a bit of a mental breakdown over there! 

Which reminds me, actually — could you do that just a little bit quieter?

Look, man, I totally support your right to freak out right now, right here in this library. I really do. We've all been there! It's finals season. Your test is tomorrow morning. And hell, your entire self worth is hanging in the balance.

But the thing is, this is a silent area. If you're going to violently curse your professor's dead relatives and weep into your hands, you're gonna have to take it down juuuuust a few decibels.

I mean, it's not like I don't know how you feel. Everybody here is studying for exams and chipping away at long-overdue papers. Many of us, like you, are also tweaking after railing a week's worth of an Vyvanse scrip. 

But the difference between you and me, my guy, is that I'm mindful of the space. I can hear you sniffling your goddamn brains out, and quite frankly, it's distracting. That, and I am also genuinely worried for the structural integrity of your septum. Please, take it easy, buddy.

In conclusion, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies as you completely lose your shit in this trying time. I would also like to extend an invitation to do that at a respectful volume, so that we all may hear our own internal screams in this library tonight.