Penn Researchers Develop Even Thinner Toilet Paper For Campus Bathrooms

Displaying the translucent material for all to see, Penn researchers announced their creation of an even thinner new toilet paper for campus bathrooms. 

45 percent thinner than existing toilet paper, the new design replaces the existing single ply with the equivalent of a half ply. Using a carbon graphene material, researchers engineered a toilet paper of nearly imperceptible depth. Most notably, this blend almost instantly disintegrates with even the slightest amounts of moisture or friction. 

Demonstrating the toilet paper to the public, lead engineer Julie Picard illustrated how the diaphanous sheets elegantly crumbles during use. “Because of this new technology, the Penn community will experience a far greater incidence of feces on the hands, as well as making direct contact between the anus and the hands,” said Picard.

Penn has previously been ranked third on lists of the thinnest toilet paper in the Ivy League. “With this design, Penn will rocket ahead of its peers in the flimsiness, fragility, and uselessness of its campus bath tissue,” Picard said.

Picard added that the new paper retains the sandpaper scratchiness of the current model. However, it will continue to be unavailable in the moments when you need it most desperately.