OP-ED: I’ll Trade You Two Bricks and a Wheat for Your Final Study Guide

Hey, I know we barely know each other, and I don’t really bring anything to the table vis-à-vis with respect to passing this exam, but you know what I do have? Two bricks and a wheat, and they can be yours for the low price of all study materials you’ve accumulated since August.

Okay, you're not convinced. That’s totally valid. Brick and wheat don’t add up to much on their own; I get it. I’ll throw in $500 of Monopoly money for just your final study guide. That’s enough to buy both of the dark blue properties! Do you know what those properties are worth if you build hotels on them? It’s a lot.

You’re really breaking my balls here with this negotiation. I will trade you two bricks and a wheat, $500 of Monopoly money, three fat heifers, and my twin sister’s hand in marriage for your study guide. I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I swear she’s really hot, and I’m saying that as her brother so you know it’s true. 

I will empty out my trust fund to get this study guide. Seriously. All of the money in my trust fund can be yours. Oh, wait—just kidding. I forgot I actually have trust fund for a second. Never mind; fuck this exam. I’m just going to fail like the privileged prick that I am, and now you’re never going to get two bricks and a wheat. I hope you never build a settlement again in your whole life.