Trust The Process: Mid-Tier Frat Hires Sam Hinkie to Manage Tanking for Better Prospects Next Year

In the 1980’s, Theta Tau Pi was on top of the world, winning countless beer pong championships and partying with the coolest (read: wealthiest) people at Penn. Yet two years ago, they were stuck in the middle—not bad enough to disband, but not good enough for anyone to show up to their parties.

Even on a fair and reputable site like GreekRank, they were largely ignored, considered so average that they were rarely even worthy of mention. When they were named, comments were riddled with apathy. One read, “Hasn’t been the same since that legend Allen Isleman left. Now they’re really only good for a few rebounds, and don’t expect them to take you to the promised land.”

But President of TTP Josh Bolaris (W ‘20) had an idea. “Let’s fucking tank, like the Sixers did," he told members. "We’ll hire Sam Hinkie, sacrifice a couple mediocre years, and next thing you know we’ll be selling out downtowns.”

So the fraternity hired Sam Hinkie to implement his famous tanking strategies. First, Hinkie had to trim the fat, trading all brothers who were on varsity sports teams, had GPAs higher than a 3.0, or were generally liked by the Penn community. That left a fifteen man squad of writers from The Statesman, DP columnists, and a quiet engineering student who I guess slipped through the cracks.

Under scrutiny for ruthlessly purging the fraternity of many of its well-liked members, Hinkie remained calm. “We just have to take this one step at a time,” he said in a rare in-person appearance. “The next few years will be rough, but we’ll be in a better position to draft top talent into the frat and restore the organization’s former glory.”

Two years later, the fraternity is in worse shape than before and Hinkie is considering stepping down. “I thought we were building an intramural team or something," he confessed. "No one told me this was a frat. There’s no draft, no free agency. They're fucking screwed.”

With mounting pressure from the Interfraternity Council to end this doomed experiment, Bolaris, now a fifth year senior, is considering bringing in a proven leader like Jerry Colangelo to right the failing organization's ship.