Wellness Win: Student Lives with Endangered Panamanian Sloths to Not Feel Insecure About Study Habits

College sophomore Peter Brown was feeling beaten down, insecure, and bitter. He and his three best friends had selected a lovely little house together on 41st and Locust with hardwood floors and a kitchen to die for, but Brown never anticipated the reality of what it would be like to live with them.

“They all do homework everyday,” Brown confessed to UTB. “Like, actually everyday. Not just the night before an assignment is due. I’d be watching Big Mouth in the den, and they’d just be coming home from Van Pelt at all hours of the night. It was just the kind of toxic environment that I didn’t need in my life.” 

That’s when Brown decided to move into a house with a family of endangered Panamanian sloths.

According to Brown, it’s only illegal to buy and own endangered animals if they’re going to be kept as pets, but these sloths are not his pets. They’re his roommates, so legally it totally checks out. “We’re all equal under this roof,” said Brown. “And more importantly, we all have the exact same study habits.”

These Panamanian sloths (Bradypus variegatus) sleep about 15-20 hours a day and spend the rest of their time either searching for food or getting high on a valium-like fungus that Brown reports “really gave [him] the shits.”

“I think it’s really good for my confidence to feel like I’m the most productive person in my house,” said Brown. “I highly recommend that all underachievers move in with a family of Panamanian sloths.”