OP-ED: I Deactivated My Facebook Last Week, and 4 Other Things That Feed My Superiority Complex

I don’t have a huge superiority complex, just a small one, built one better-than-mediocre action at a time. Brick by brick, as they say. Do I think I’m better than anyone in particular? No, my god, I’m not conceited. Do I think I’m just a bit better than the generalized “everybody”? A little. Here are some reasons why.

I deactivated my Facebook last week: 

Every time I bring it up in conversation, I have a small orgasm thinking about how independent I am. I re-activated it yesterday because I wasn’t getting invited to parties anymore, but it is still very much a part of my identity.

I donated my bat-mitzvah money to charity: 

This one doesn’t come up a lot in conversation, but when it does, I’m reminded of how awesome it is that I did that. My mom forced me to pick a charity, and I picked the World Wildlife Fund, which was really helpful to the pandas, and also I got a cool calendar out of it. My mom made the rules: the money went to charity but the feeling that I’m a generous person went straight to my head and never left. No, I don’t give to those asking on the street; I give my money through more formal methods, like my bat-mitzvah when I was 13.

I only skimmed the last page of my 10-page reading:

I’m not going to brag about it openly, but this small act really made me feel like nobody at this school was taking their studies as seriously as I do. How did I do it? I don’t know, dedication? I’m not going to talk about it a lot, but every word I say today will carry the weight of an intellectual. 

I’m a pescatarian but keep it low-key: 

Am I a pescatarian? Yes. Am I saving the planet from global warming? A bit. Do I keep it low-key because people who talk about their diets are pretentious and I don’t want to be one of them? Of course. Does it really spellbound myself when someone says, “Wait you’re a pescatarian? I had no idea, you’re so low-key about it.”? I can’t say no. 

My poop yesterday was easy and the ideal consistency: 

Below is a diagram of what your feces should look like. Mine looked like #4. My doctor said it’s hard to keep regularity like that, but here I am. Yesterday I had so much pride in my clean wipe. This only contributes a little to my superiority complex, mostly helping with an internal sense of self-worth. Not everything in life is a competition.