BREAKING: Fraternity Houses Crack Under Pressure Because Even They Can't Fucking Do This Anymore

According to a Penn's Interfraternity Council (IFC), most Fraternity Chapter Houses — or ‘chouses’ —have been deteriorating at unprecedented rates this rush season. The IFC urged students to "take a second," and "seriously stop — the infrastructure can no longer sustain itself."  

The IFC noted that chouses everywhere have been taking a stand against abuse by rushes. “Bra, my wood paneling is so soaked with Natty Lites right now — I don’t think I'll be sober again until Spring Fling,” one chouse remarked. 

A nearby chouse criticized his neighbor's complaints. “Hey, at least all the beer masks the stench of your filthy fucking sewage leakage,” he said snidely. 

“Listen, when the hardwood floor itself is bouncing along to "Body" by Loud Luxury, it’s probably time to slow the fuck down,” the IFC advised. “That song is a fucking bop though, so I feel,” they added.