Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030

A new report by the Pew Research Center forecasts that approximately 90% of the United States population will be employed as consultants by 2030. The prediction, based on nationwide surveys and current employment trends, considers the increasing rate at which college students are selling their souls for cash.

“Consulting is a lucrative field, and everyone wants to do it,” said researcher Allen Stein. “With zero experience, a 22-year-old can help provide basic business advice to seasoned professionals and live in New York, which, by 2030, will be the only city in the US.”

The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other. The study predicts the birth of the new field of “consulting consulting,” in which consultant consultants will consult other consultants on consulting. Eventually, the never-ending loop of consulting consulting will create so many jobs that poverty will be eradicated.

“There will be no reason to do anything else,” said consultant Bradley Schmidt (W ’18). “This is the only thing that exists,” he continued, glassy-eyed.

Penn has committed additional resources to consulting prep in the wake of the findings, ensuring that every student, no matter their true interests, lands a job they hate.