Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes

Cole Webster (C ‘20) thought that all hope was lost when he lost his phone, and thereby his ability to access Duo Mobile. Without the app, Webster could not access Canvas to submit his HIST 209 essay, since he could not sufficiently prove to his computer that he himself was not also a computer trying to hack into Webster’s account.

Having already exhausted his 20 six-digit codes in a slew of drunken phone misplacements, Webster had but one choice remaining at his disposal. He looked into his full-length mirror and said to himself “I’d like to phone a lifeline.” Just like that, in the corner of his room appeared Howie Mandel, host of Deal or No Deal, to help Webster through the process.

Making sure not to touch anything in the germ-infested room, noted germaphobe Howie Mandel approached Webster and offered his phone so that he could call his designated lifeline. Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.

Webster then proceeded to remain on the line for over an hour, hashing over every little detail of his failed relationship with Miranda, despite Mandel reprimanding him for abusing the Howie Mandel Lifeline System (HMLS) that Penn instituted this year. At that point, Mandel realized their past relationship was so fucked that even Purell could not kill the virus that they once called love. With all hope lost, Mandel vanished into thin air and relinquished his role as America’s baldest TV host.