4 Ways to Express That I'm Short Without Lifting Me and Twirling 360 Degrees

I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead. But please, there's no need to grab me under the armpits, squeeze the breath from my puny lungs, and spin me around 360 degrees to express that I'm short. Here are four other ways to do it.

1. Snidely remarking on my height.

"Oh, I didn't see you down there." "Were you always this short?" Even a simple, "you're really short," delivered in an appropriately derisive tone, would suffice. You have immeasurable opportunities to flex that linguistic creativity to put me down, instead of picking me up and twirling me, which really gets old.

2. Comparing our heights constantly.

If you hover your hand, palm down, above my head, and move it until it hits your forehead (or lower), you can get a great kick of how short I am and express how amazed you are that adults can be that small in one faction. In fact, this might even be more fun for you than swinging me round and round as if I were a fussy toddler and requires considerably less physical effort on your part.

3. Carrying around two taped-together yardsticks with which to measure me. At all times.

Imagine those measuring stickers in front of roller coaster rides and how fun it is to tease people for not meeting the height requirement. Now imagine being able to do that all the time. What fun! Just get a couple yardsticks and duct tape and you're ready to go. Best of all, you can do this silently and without touching me, unlike when you insist on picking me up and I can feel my torso separating from my abdomen.

4. Flying the tallest eight-year-old in the world to Penn's campus.

If none of the above options struck your fancy, this one is sure to please. What could be more entertaining than pointing out I'm still not anywhere near the height of a literal child over a decade younger than me? A lot more entertaining than squeezing the life out of one of your friends, that's for sure!