Parents of Girl Sitting in Class in Front of You Paying $70,000/Year for Her to Text Ben from ZBT

Devastating! Mark and Jane Curtain, parents of College junior Eliza Curtain, are paying a lot of money for their daughter to text Ben from ZBT while she’s in class.

Factoring in tuition, room and board, the mysterious college “technology fee,” and — of course — a 3.8% yearly increase, Mr. and Mrs. Mark Curtain are paying upwards of $70,000 for each year of Eliza’s Penn education.

They have absolutely no idea about their daughter’s texting habits. Instead, they firmly believe she’s using her brief time at Penn to become a leader in Urban Studies research on immigration and the refugee crisis.

“We’re happy to make this colossal financial sacrifice for Eliza to go to Penn so she can follow her dreams and change the world,” the Curtains remarked proudly.

Little do they know, 99% of Eliza’s time and mental energy in class is spent texting her crush: none other than Ben from ZBT.

“We talk about Smokes, what he’s eating for lunch, mixers, and…Smokes,” said Eliza.  She also noted that each class she finds herself so engrossed in her chat with Ben that she forgets where she is.

“I have no idea which class this is. It’s probably Urban Studies. I love cities,” Eliza added.

For her parents’ sake, let’s hope she has the capacity to love cities as much as she loves texting Ben.